To anyone who reads this blog, this is my own personal forum to rant and bitch about.
Meaning I don’t censor anything that I say. And while I know some family members read this blog – I beg you to keep whatever you read to yourselves.
So if you want to judge me, while I am out on my own and trying to do my own thing, you can stop reading now.
Feel free to listen to the song that inspired my title.
To say that I’ve been in a bad place for a while is an understatement.
For a while I was unbelievably depressed, doing so many things I shouldn’t have. Barely sleeping, not eating, smoking, BUT I was going to all my classes. Gotta give me props for that. And I made sure to not drink on a (completely) empty stomach. I knew my limits – dealing with shit that I had to deal with.
What I missed and probably should have been doing was writing here. It’s always been my release from anything. And while I know people have access to this, it’s never bothered me because I don’t care what people think about me. I care about what I think of myself and as long as it’s all good – I’m good.
ANYWAY.
As I stated in a previous post from like 2009 – I’m a needy, needy person. I know this. Can I help it? I try. Does it usually work? Nope.
So imagine my disbelief (not) when someone brings it to my attention that it still exists. I own up to it. I’m a needy person – I don’t like being on my own. It doesn’t settle me so much. But it has been getting better. I’ve started to appreciate my days of almost complete solitude. With the occasional talk with a roommate or text I can stand to be on my own more and more with each passing day.
What I can’t stand is you. You know who you are.
You claim to give a shit about me. But you really don’t. You care about whatever’s right in front of you and that’s not me. Which is such bullshit considering all the shit I did for you. All the good things I say about you to other people, STILL. And you think you have rights to call me an asshole? You are sorely mistaken, douchebag.
Remember when you almost got kicked out of your home like four or five times? Who made sure you had a place to stay? I fucking did. I made sure that if you did you had somewhere to go so you wouldn’t be wandering the streets on your own. I cared about you that damn much, asshole. And how do I get repaid? I get told I’m a needy, sarcastic asshole. THANK YOU FOR NOTHING.
You went through your shit all summer, I put up with it. I took your drama when I really shouldn’t have. And when I go through my shit are you there? No. You’re not. You’re gone. You’re out of the picture. You want me out of your damn life. Or at least that’s what you make it look like whereas you seem to claim otherwise. BULLSHIT.
In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a little pent up with rage toward you. And that’s cool – cause you honestly couldn’t give a shit. It’s never a good time to deal with this shit for you and you like to bring it up when I won’t be able to remember a thing you tell me. Thanks, fucker.
While I may claim that I can’t go on without you, I can. I know I can. If I have to be that strong again, I can be. But I choose not to. I want to be happy. And for the longest time you were part of what made me happy. And while I realize that is a lost cause, it doesn’t stop me from trying.
I love lost causes. Because they have more drive than anything else in the damn world to make shit happen. They have more motivation to make people see, to believe in it. Probably one of the reason I want to be a teacher, because I believe everyone has it in them to succeed. And situations are no different. With the right steps, with the proper care, with the right kind of mentality – anything can happen.
It’s just all a matter of wanting something badly enough. Do you have it in you to keep it going? Cause I do.
Ball is in your court.
