Kristin's Blog

Dum Spiro, Spero

misskris413 — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 00:37:43 +0000

For the last week I have been such a clusterfuck of feelings.
I’ve been angry, sad, okay, drunk, high, and a whole bunch of other words.
I’ve had days that I thought would never end and days that ended in a snap. I’ve had days where I knew I’d be okay and days I thought I wouldn’t survive.

Lord knows I’ve already been put through the ringer and back because of him, but of course the punches haven’t quite stopped rolling yet.

Loving you was all that I knew for so long, but I can’t keep holding onto that anymore.

I’m ready to be happy again. To find me again. And I realize I’ve said this six thousand times already, but this is the only time I haven’t gone running back to him begging for a second chance to better myself.

I haven’t talked to him in a week now and while it’s been extremely hard on me – I’ve managed it with grace and to the happiness of those near and dear to me who just love knowing that I’m getting myself back.
Whoever that is, anyway.

Will I decide to be a workaholic? Will I bury my heads in books again? Will I just waste away on my balcony drinking booze and smoking?

I don’t really know, but I know that whatever I do choose to do with my life has all to do with me and nothing to do with him. That everything I’m gonna do is because that’s what I want to do.

I feel freer, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders – but it isn’t all the way gone yet. I don’t know where you fit in my life, if at all.

I’ve heard that you ask about me and that’s sweet – but I also realize I’ve never asked about how you were doing. And I’m not sure if it’s because I know you’re okay or if I just didn’t care to know. Don’t get me wrong, I know part of me still cares about you but I’m still trying to figure out to what extent.

For now. I will live and survive. And most importantly hope.

“While I breathe, I hope…”

Story of My Life

misskris413 — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 05:37:17 +0000

“Cause I still don’t know how to act
Don’t know what to say
Still wear the scars like it was yesterday
But you’re long gone and moved on
Cause you’re long gone
But I still don’t know where to start, still finding my way
Still talk about you like it was yesterday
But you’re long gone and moved on
But you’re long gone, you moved on”

~*~

Had to learn the hard way, but at least it was my way.
I hope we figure things out one day, but I don’t know if I could ever trust you so much ever again.

Denial.

misskris413 — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 19:52:17 +0000

I’m done denying it to myself. I thought it was a joke, that maybe I didn’t really feel this way. But I know I really do. And that these feelings are scarily real.

I’m so in love with you.

…what just happened?

misskris413 — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 02:00:12 +0000

Haha, so today was awesome! Saw like everybody I knew on campus today, had so many funny conversations and occurrences that my should have been bad day turned into a completely wonderful and funny one!

Getting cardio in, seeing everyone in the Union!, freaking over quiz, finishing quiz in like 5 minutes, sitting outside, running into Jared, Starbucks with Brittany, running to Ryan’s dorm, laundry, nap, meeting back up with Brittany, heading to the Union, meeting Nick, running into Jared again, GREATEST CONVERSATION EVER (all about sex, togas, and numbers), having a monster, Ryan meeting us, texts and call with Alyssa Mae, random talks, meeting up with drummer boy, “WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!”, walking to Leo, Kirby drive-by, AM mart foods, dinner, sitting around, nails, and now we’re just here and I feel happy

Laughed so much. Smiled so much. GOOD, good day.

Turn away cause I need you more

misskris413 — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 03:02:15 +0000

October has been a VERY interesting month for me.

I started out a depressed mess and now, just three weeks into it, I’m feeling better than ever.

I’m happy. I feel loved. I am starting to really love life again.

BUT I haven’t been a very good girl this month, which is probably what is making me feel so good about myself. I won’t say what I’ve been up to – but it has definitely been enough to put me into a pretty damn good mood!

But I will say this – being wanted is such a good feeling

Age of I Don’t Believe

misskris413 — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 06:38:30 +0000

To anyone who reads this blog, this is my own personal forum to rant and bitch about.
Meaning I don’t censor anything that I say. And while I know some family members read this blog – I beg you to keep whatever you read to yourselves.
So if you want to judge me, while I am out on my own and trying to do my own thing, you can stop reading now.

Feel free to listen to the song that inspired my title.

To say that I’ve been in a bad place for a while is an understatement.

For a while I was unbelievably depressed, doing so many things I shouldn’t have. Barely sleeping, not eating, smoking, BUT I was going to all my classes. Gotta give me props for that. And I made sure to not drink on a (completely) empty stomach. I knew my limits – dealing with shit that I had to deal with.

What I missed and probably should have been doing was writing here. It’s always been my release from anything. And while I know people have access to this, it’s never bothered me because I don’t care what people think about me. I care about what I think of myself and as long as it’s all good – I’m good.

ANYWAY.

As I stated in a previous post from like 2009 – I’m a needy, needy person. I know this. Can I help it? I try. Does it usually work? Nope.

So imagine my disbelief (not) when someone brings it to my attention that it still exists. I own up to it. I’m a needy person – I don’t like being on my own. It doesn’t settle me so much. But it has been getting better. I’ve started to appreciate my days of almost complete solitude. With the occasional talk with a roommate or text I can stand to be on my own more and more with each passing day.

What I can’t stand is you. You know who you are.

You claim to give a shit about me. But you really don’t. You care about whatever’s right in front of you and that’s not me. Which is such bullshit considering all the shit I did for you. All the good things I say about you to other people, STILL. And you think you have rights to call me an asshole? You are sorely mistaken, douchebag.

Remember when you almost got kicked out of your home like four or five times? Who made sure you had a place to stay? I fucking did. I made sure that if you did you had somewhere to go so you wouldn’t be wandering the streets on your own. I cared about you that damn much, asshole. And how do I get repaid? I get told I’m a needy, sarcastic asshole. THANK YOU FOR NOTHING.

You went through your shit all summer, I put up with it. I took your drama when I really shouldn’t have. And when I go through my shit are you there? No. You’re not. You’re gone. You’re out of the picture. You want me out of your damn life. Or at least that’s what you make it look like whereas you seem to claim otherwise. BULLSHIT.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a little pent up with rage toward you. And that’s cool – cause you honestly couldn’t give a shit. It’s never a good time to deal with this shit for you and you like to bring it up when I won’t be able to remember a thing you tell me. Thanks, fucker.

While I may claim that I can’t go on without you, I can. I know I can. If I have to be that strong again, I can be. But I choose not to. I want to be happy. And for the longest time you were part of what made me happy. And while I realize that is a lost cause, it doesn’t stop me from trying.

I love lost causes. Because they have more drive than anything else in the damn world to make shit happen. They have more motivation to make people see, to believe in it. Probably one of the reason I want to be a teacher, because I believe everyone has it in them to succeed. And situations are no different. With the right steps, with the proper care, with the right kind of mentality – anything can happen.

It’s just all a matter of wanting something badly enough. Do you have it in you to keep it going? Cause I do.
Ball is in your court.

Serious.

misskris413 — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 06:34:59 +0000

Don’t be mad when a girl cares too much. Worry when she starts to not care at all.

My oh my

misskris413 — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 23:09:11 +0000

A lot has happened in the last month and a half.. I’ll eventually have the time to post something about what happened… But for now.

I’m alive. Getting through each day. And trying to get my feet back on the ground.

Stereo Hearts

misskris413 — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 04:50:42 +0000

I heard this on the way to BR today and I immediately fell in love with it! (:

“Make me your radio, turn me up when you feel low.”

Truth.

misskris413 — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 00:44:15 +0000